Impact Play is one of my favorite things as far as kink is concerned. As a bottom I’m able to let go of all and any stress and go into sub space while in a scene depending on the duration and how it’s being conducted.
Impact play is where both parties Top and Bottom consent and negotiate a scene in where the Top is implementing an item/object and striking a safe part of the bottoms body. It can be very pleasurable for one or both parties.
Negotiation and Consent are vital to any scene as some bottoms like and enjoy more pain and being marked or really red. Some bottoms may just have a light pain tolerance and that’s okay it’s still fun and you might be completely new to impact play and just want to lightly explore. Communication is key to any scene in kink/bdsm as well as using safe words which will either slow down the scene or completely stop the scene.
Here are some charts on where it’s okay to implement such object on the body and the types of different impact toys that a Top might use.
If you want to know more knowledge about impact play and engaging in impact play with your partner here are some sites and articles listed below and some people who make Impact Play Toys
I used the word evolving as a title because everyone and everything around us evolves and changes and two I used it because the word has been recently explained to me in different terms where we are in a constant state of evolving and changing.
After I took this Zencation online retreat and have been processing things from what I’ve learned, I’ve been looking at my past trauma and experiences I’ve personally been through and I’ve come to open my mind more on that I might decide to not re enter a D/s dynamic again because I value my independence I’ve really had over the past 3 years.
In my past I’ve allowed not very nice people in my life and I know that I do not want to allow not nice people in my life anymore. Yes I realize that not at all people are bad and not all people are going to treat me badly. I’ve also taken this time to see myself more while figuring out things.
In my community it’s a little sad because some people choose to be catty and be little people if you are not on their side of the fence. I believe that is wrong because you’re shutting not only doors but also a place that might be someone’s only safe haven to them. I’m morally not okay with that because I’ve been where I’ve had nowhere to turn to and no one to talk to for help. I really wish that those would put down their daggers and be more open to everyone.
I would love to help build within whole communities on helping those who are finding a safe haven and a place to reach out for help. I know what abuse is like and I know what it’s like to be completely alone in that you have no one to look for to ask for help.
I’ve learned and kept in mind to look at what brings you joy in how you want to serve and help others. I’m still processing that and yes it’s been so much slower with COVID-19 going on and who knows how long it’ll be that way but it’s figuring out how to work within and around it.
Safe words are one of the most important conversations you will have when negotiating with your Top. Safe words are what lets the Top know when to slow down or stop during a scene.
It’s so important to have that talk before playing with anyone and if you’re uncomfortable talking open and honestly about this then you really should not be playing at all because not only will you end up hurting yourself but you will hurt those around you and that is not okay.
The basic safe words that are used are the traffic light system of Green, Yellow, and Red. We all know that Green is go, yellow means slow down especially if you might have been introduced to something new. Red means stop meaning that scene is over period no exceptions and aftercare should start right away.
What happens if our safe words are violated?
I will be sharing my own experience as yes I’ve had a safe word violated. I will stop here and say TRIGGER WARNING DO NOT GO FURTHER IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED
This is what happened in my own experience with safe words being violated.
I was playing privately with someone and this was six months after I had gotten to know them and played publicly with and I felt safe with person because they had not ignored my safe words until this moment.
We were in a regular scene I was being flogged and spanked just good impact play. He then stopped and was grabbing something else and I didn’t know what it was I was already in my happy place. The only thing he said was to relax and breathe and then I felt it. I then panicked which turned into a panic attack I screamed no, red, stop. He did not listen and I was crying with my head deep inside the pillow. He had inserted without consent a butt plug in me. I had literally froze after crying I lost all emotions I was now in survive mode of finish the damn scene and get the fuck out. I did not know what else to do when it was over and I was finally at home I texted him not to contact me anymore and that I do not want to play with you anymore. That you violated me. He never contacted me again and I only saw him once at a club event which yes my insides freaked out but I remained calm and didn’t go near him at all. All I will say is that Karma did do justice for me.
Since that did happen I’ve been extremely picky who I play with and who I’m around. I do not play privately with anyone anymore it must be in a safe public space with lots of people around. I could care less about others seeing my naked flaws I’d rather be around others while playing. Then I know there are witnesses and it’s safe.
Thankfully others out there have shared some wonderful information about safety and safe words.
I highly recommend playing after you’ve taken the time to really know someone and please play in a public dungeon with DM’s. Always do your research about each venue making sure they comply with safety and the well being of others that is most important
Have you ever had your safe words disregarded or ignored? If you’re okay to share I invite you to please share in the comments.
I am going to leave here a few links on consent and negotiations and the importance of safe words.
Safety is always important no matter what situation in life you might find yourself. That being said it’s always first and foremost in the bdsm/kink lifestyle.
Especially now during all the quarantine going on and social distancing it can be really challenging for both Tops and Bottoms who do not live together and those who might just be play partners and aren’t able to go to an event or play party during this time. From my own experiences being a submissive/bottom it has been challenging not being able to play during social distancing. However in my normal day to day it’s regular for me, because I’m not in any dynamic and I just have play partners whom I occasionally play with.
With safety first especially right now a submissive might experience sub frenzy where they miss that connection and release from being Topped during a scene or being in a BDSM dynamic.
Many say that Sub Frenzy only happens to new subs and bottoms who just entered the lifestyle and want to do everything now. I do not believe this because even seasoned subs and bottoms can still experience sub frenzy from time to time especially when it’s been a long period of time from not getting that release that is achieved when being topped.
When I was a baby in kink I definitely had sub frenzy and I didn’t think things through. I didn’t fully know how to Vet someone and I rushed into a dynamic. I didn’t know about consent and negotiations as I’ve recently learned from the community i’m in. I have done this more than once because I was not mindful of my sub frenzy and I didn’t have a community where I could reach out and ask for help and advice.
I have experienced sexual abuse, mental and emotional abuse, and physical abuse. No i’m not sharing this for pity or for anyone to feel sorry for me. I’m not a victim and I keep on working on myself and moving forward from my past experiences in a much more positive and safe way. It is really important to know how to vet someone when you are entering a dynamic. There are so many people, whether they are a submissive/bottom or a dominant/top, who hide their flaws and who are not honest and truthful.
The second time I rushed into a dynamic was several months after my Master had passed away from a heart attack. I was so devastated on the inside from his passing and I felt completely lost and was missing that connection. I had taken advice from a few vanilla friends to try a dating/hookup site and I downloaded it and put up my profile and bam away I went without thinking.
I didn’t vet anyone properly and I wasn’t thinking of being responsibly safe or about my personal well being. I just wanted that connection and feeling of purpose back again. I was fully responsible for allowing this person into my life. I was not responsible for his behaviors towards me. Many of things that I did were not consented and I was again fearful of my life and felt helpless. The only thing that was consented were the sexual things I did to please this person. I consented to that but I did not consent to being degraded and having my self esteem be put down. This person had me take pictures of everything I ate and I had to ask permission before I ate and if he said no I had to figure out something else to eat. I did not consent to that. That hurt me emotionally and mentally and that trauma just added to my past trauma and it still effects me today.
Again I AM NOT sharing this to gain any sympathy or pity because I was responsible for allowing this person into my life and not properly being safe. I am sharing this message to others for you to be safe and smart.
I highly recommend if you are interested in bdsm/kink whether you want to be in a dynamic or you just want to see what it’s about be safe. I highly recommend using the website Fetlife and setting up a profile.
Here is a video from Whips, Chains, and Duct Tape on How to set up your Fetlife profile. If you are new to the lifestyle I highly recommend watching this video.
You can find Whips, Chains, and Duct Tape on Facebook, YouTube, and Instagram and other social media platforms.
After you have your profile all ready and set up to be published I recommend looking for your local kink/bdsm communities. Right now many munches are not happening due to social distancing and quarantine. There are however many munches and groups being done virtually so you can still interact with others who have been in the lifestyle and have experience.
These are my personal recommendations from my own experience:
Do not meet anyone alone
Do look up local kink/bdsm communities
Do not play with anyone when first meeting someone
If you’re going to drink alcohol have a safe person you can call who knows where you are and what you’re doing/ Or have someone go with you as backup
Please when doing anything be safe and be smart about it.
Here are list of links of safe groups in The BDSM/Kink Lifestyle:
When you start writing a blog of any kind you want to contribute in the things you have participated in or things you’ve seen. Then there tends to be this whole weight of what to write, what to share, and how to share it.
After seeing how many kinksters and educators have shared so much with the communities online it weights on my mind and the thoughts of “This has been shared and talked about so much”. First it’s beautiful how much is shared online and virtually. It’s great learning so many things whether it’s a new topic or something someone has experienced or something someone has done for a long period of time.
I have so much information from my own experiences and my flaw is trying to expedite them and get them into actual word format.
It is my own anxiety about it because in my mind the thoughts of “this has been done a million times” and “I don’t want pity for what I’ve been through”. That’s where I mostly stop and end up not putting anything out there. I know that I’m the one that has to fix those thought sand feelings and just do it! Put it out there because well I want to and hopefully it’ll go well. If it doesn’t then well I still put myself out there.
I’m writing this because I watched a live Instagram of one of the many things I follow.
Now yes my WordPress name as well as fetlife name is KinkyGeekyT and yes I’m kinky! My kink/bdsm life is pretty much non existent except virtually and on social media platforms. I’m a single/asexual/little/bottom and I choose for personal reasons to stay single and also yeah my number one role on this planet is called Mom but i’m more than that and i’m slowly regaining my personal power and energy in re discovering that.
It’s been harder with covid-19 to do so because i’m finally re finding my way into the special needs parents community again which has been really wonderful and i’ve met some very nice parents. It’s just nice to not feel alone with the different struggles and successes we each go through.
I also feel that way with kink and it’s so nice that some of the groups I’ve been following are emerging more and making more of a presence across social media platforms because it’s nice to know i’m not alone there are others that might be going through the same journey or like the same kinks that I might like.
Besides Fetlife you can find other kink/bdsm groups on Facebook and Instagram. Twitter is a small portion because while it’s semi active it’s become more of a political platform especially with you know who on there. (lol you know who, Lord Voldemort seems less of a scare hahaha)
If you’re feeling lonely and disconnected from whichever lifestyle you engage in there are others out there giving knowledge and connecting in the different communities out there in social media. Please check it out and get back a little bit of normal.
I’m really geeky about things and a little bit kinky! I’m a full time mom of two teenagers and I live on the East Coast. I’m very active with my children and advocate for them as they both have special needs. I love movies especially horror, sci-fi, fantasy, and drama. I like coloring, Godzilla, coffee, painting (mostly acrylic), video games, reading, anime (especially Black Butler).
If you took the time to check out my blog thank you so much.